The feeling is just one of constant discomfiture: I imagine it’s something like an addict feels when he hasn’t had a fix.  A nervous, skin-crawling on-edge sense of preoccupation with a thing which seems initially to have revolved around driving at night, or going to large public places, but which has just now taken over large parts of my life.  At work, and even at home, this feeling is taking up a majority of my waking life.  For how long?  I don’t know, I hope it is short and ugly, like it has been times before, but to be honest, I fear I won’t be that lucky.

I don’t normally like to talk about these episodes, and so I doubt I will much change that habit, but be aware that if I do not write much in the next little while, the reason is that I am trying to get myself well again, and that I hope it will be very soon.

I’ve been mired in Fall semester classes for several weeks now at ASU, here in awe-inspiring, historic Augusta, GA.  Man alive, it’s only two classes but it’s going to be harder than I thought to get all A’s this time around.  I’ve got two professors (make that one professor, and one BROfessor), both of them are relatively new adjuncts here, and both seemingly have the agenda of proving themselves to be hardasses in order to get better positions athe University.  Well, I can sympathize with their plight a little bit: I know academic life is a tough slog and is why even though I think I would be well-suited for academia, I’ll probably avoid the temptation just to keep things profitable in other areas of my life.  But I thought I could just BS my way through these classes and get As.  I think Bs are definitely doable with a minimum of effort, but in the paper I got back from my english class yesterday, dude actually called me out for having “an eloquent pen but not much to say here”.  He’s totally right, too!  I don’t have much to say because the part of the text I picked to expound upon was a crappy choice, and I can see that I’m going to have to choose more wisely next time.

Writing is such a finicky endeavor for me, and the main reason my posts here are so short is because I can easily get to this stage of narrative where even I don’t believe the bullshit I’m going on about. And if I’m getting to that point, I figure what’s the use of trying to get anybody else on board the tripe-mobile with me when there are better things to do.  Well, writing for school has proven to be no different, because I had to literally force myself to continue to write just to make the 1500-word requirement for the assignment.  I’m probably the lamest English major of all time, because even though I have a passion for good books and am a pretty strong writer myself, I find it fairly difficult to wrap me brainbox around the idea of Criticism as a Serious Pursuit.  Mayhap I’m not a Serious Person, and if so please forgive the impertinence, there’s a good chap; but I just think the best critics are people like Roger Ebert, who have been able to sythesize criticism and autobiography in such an awesome way that, in some of his finer examples of long form writing, Ebert is actually able to surpass the object of his criticism.  People who read Ebert will know what I mean by this, he is a master of the subjective narrative and I think in a hundred years, while we may not still care about James Cameron, we will still be reading Ebert’s reactions to him.

None of this is to say, “oh, if only they’d give me free reign, I’d tear some criticism up and have it screaming my name”, because I don’t think that’s the case.  I appreciate the fact that school is a structured environment where you sometimes have to do things you don’t necessarily find to be intellectually fulfilling.  I get it.  But passing over the noble arguments about ideal educational approaches, the hard truth is that my GPA sucks, so I have to start making some As in a hurry so I can get past the sins of my younger days, and it’s a tad discouraging to me that I’ll be upset if I end up with Bs instead.

I hope I haven’t jinxed myself by complaining.  I’m going to have to take a look at this post again in December.  If I end up with Cs I swear to Baby Jesus I’m going to cry bitter bitter tears.  Thank God for vodka.

1. Go to work while it’s raining very hard.

2. Fall into a puddle and thoroughly soak your socks.

3. Try to microwave the socks.

4. One minute later, enjoy your blackened, burned, useless socks.

4. One second later, throw them shits in the trash ’cause they stank.

4? Relent to societal and workplace demands, put your wet feet into a pair of ten-year-old leather bucks with no socks, and no hope of getting socks.

4! Work with nice older ladies who prefer the thermostat to be set at all times to 62 degrees.

∞ Watch as your nice eight-hour workday turns into Ī́̅̂͌҉̺̲͕̺̺̳̣̫ ̵̣̖̹͙́͂͐͌ͦͬ͗̓ͤ́C͉̳͙͊̇͑̄ͯ̊͟͝Ä̶̹͔͚́̇̄̅ͯ̇ͯ̃̚͘N̛̳̼͔̫̥̎͆̅̚ ͯ̑́҉̤̲̹̹̕͟S̷̺̹̬̭̪̤̾̅ͦĒ͂̃ͭ̋ͫ̎҉̴͕͕̝̪͍̪̮ͅE̺̭̬͍͇̬ͭͣ̈́̏̂ ̺̳̯͔̞̳̽͊̊́͋ͫͬ́͢F̲̻͚̈̏͂̓̏ͫ͑͢Õ̴̻̘͎̪͎̹̮̳̒͌̂̕R̩̭̆̀̐̽̀̔͟E̐̆͒̉ͭ̋ͥ͐͏̵҉̠̖̪̮̬͓͇V̋҉̙̻E  ̹̤͔̹͖͎̞̤͛͆R̡̗̣̥̳͇͔̓͋ͣ͝.

The glasses that I received are pretty awesome.

Fig 1. Pretty awesome.

I was immediately impressed with the build quality and the index of the lenses was awesome, because they are so thin compared to my old pair!  The frames are not the high quality enamel of Ray Ban or Oakley, but they are good solid plastic frames, and because they are not enameled they are also extremely light, which has turned out, weeks later, to be a huge plus. I have already ordered another pair of similarly accoutered sunglasses for myself.  It’s a great deal as long as you aren’t tempted by the upgrade features like photochromic lenses, super high index lenses, blinged-out cases and whatever else they hit you with at the end.

The downside to our experience has been Jeannie’s glasses.  The frames are really high quality, but for whatever reason, the lenses just weren’t right.  We looked over our prescription though and the problem appears to be that the official pupillary distance measurements are different from the measurements we made ourselves, so it does seem to be our fault.  However, we were offered a 70% refund and we think that is fair, as getting glasses is just as much a service as it is a retail product.  Anyway, we put in another prescription, this time with the proper PD measurement and we’ve got our fingers crossed that these will be as great as mine have been thus far.

My take on it is that it’s a really good deal and the only reason to say no is that you have some silly requirement to have a specific brand label on your eyewear.  Because let’s face it, glasses get to looking pretty junked up in a hurry, no matter how expensive they are, and when you pay (much) less for (slightly) less quality, it’s doesn’t hurt the wallet nearly so bad when it’s time to replace the glasses you have.  So far, I’m a fan of this company and this business model.  It’ll be interesting to see whether this opinion is redeemed or refuted in the next few days, as we attempt to collect our refund and get our new pairs in.

*UPDATE 8/3/2010*  & The whistles go WHOO WHOO!

These new sunglasses are so bad-ass that I wear them at night (so I can, so I can, watch you weave then breathe your story lines).

Fig 2. So bad-ass, e.g. Corey Hart

Seriously, I like them a lot, I have done a complete 180 in that I NOW CRAVE SUNLIGHT FOR TO TEST MY MIGHTY SUNSHIELDS.  And my wife’s came in and they are also very good quality and fit great and make her to look like the sexity (I don’t remember what they are called, so photo is a no-go, bro).  And yep, if you’re keeping track, we did get the refund for the bad pair after about a week.  So, my money is going to these guys from now on, until they fuck up, which will be never because my readership at this blog is INTENSE and is a TERRIBL(Y INSPIRING) MOTIVATOR for any business looking to stay afloat.

We bought a fairly nice little house, built in the early 60′s.  As they say in the biz, it has some great bones, but needs some interior work to get it up to speed.  We got our loan approved and were moved in within two months, and it’s been great, more or less.  I do wish I had considered the occasional whiff of paper mill that we get when it’s humid – there is an International Paper plant just a couple or three miles away, which I really didn’t think would be a factor (note to future home buyers: don’t assume that environmental conditions apply year round) – but other than that slight aesthetic problem, it’s been a good deal, and it’s great to have some room to stretch your arms in a bigger home.

I’ve always been somewhat afraid of growing up, because I knew that once I started acknowledging my adulthood, I’d have to start doing SCARY CRAP.  I mean, it might not seem like much, but painting is a real fun time for an over-achieving perfectionist with no painting skill to speak of.  I’ve gotten better at it as I go, but on the whole I just wish I could afford to have someone else do it.  On the other hand, I hate giving away money when I could do the work myself.  I’m not that busy.  So, more than likely we’d be doing this stuff whether we had to or not…but it’s nice to have the option.

We are at some point going to have to start looking at re-doing the flooring in the kitchen and the dining room.  Now, I doubt it’s rocket science but it is one of those things, like all house improvement stuff where overall precision and muscle memory really are a big deal when it comes to getting the job done in a way that is satisfying.  I guess I need to get some extra tile (or whatever) and just practice cutting that crap up for awhile, because flooring is one of those things that if it’s not done exactly right, it’s exactly wrong.

Anyway, once you get a house, you can count on having a lifetime of stuff to do, unless it’s built to your exact specifications, and you have a groundskeeper, butler, and handyman.  But hey, if you have one of those, what are you doing reading this blog? Shouldn’t you be out taking over corporations or picking out gold-plated toilet seats or shooting a prostitute or something?

Things are clearly looking up, yes.

But not so fast, sister, for now I begin to see the trap before us.  We never did have a lot of things to count and name as ours before now: I had my obsession with computers and (less so) with guitars.  My dearest has her curiosities with crafts, dancing gear, and of course cat-killing.  We won’t observe that here.  Nevertheless, even though we have been able through sheer will to keep up with our hobbies in the midst of what was probably pretty serious poverty, now that we are paddling out of the mire, the temptation is strong to just go crazy and try to suddenly catch up to where I may perceive we should be, when all my life I’ve said to myself that life is not a competition, and in the end, all you have is your free time with the people you love, and anything more than that is just a distraction.

Yes.  But the distraction never goes away, and in this culture we have of acquisition and market-tested obsolescence, well, it’s hard not to be tempted by the collecting of things, especially when all the people we work for are comfortably ahead of the game, and specifically the folks I work for (a close-knit multigenerational family business) are simply not even the slightest bit aware of what it might be like to have a life such as we have had these past several years.  Not to say they have never been hard-up, because I’m still relatively unaware of their various histories, but at least for a pretty long time now, they have had their five TVs and their 50 thousand dollar SUVs, their great magazine-spread-worthy manses and all the styling and trappings of success as we proclaim it; on the other hand, we have had just our modest little slowly improving lives.  And it isn’t hard for me to grasp that the tiny strides we have thus far made REALLY OUGHT TO BE good enough for anyone because they were so hard-won, so surprising in their sudden onset, and so utterly perfectly timed that it’s hard not to feel charmed, at least that is until we begin to compare where we are now to where we COULD HAVE BEEN, IF ONLY X HAD HAPPENED.

If only I were more of a man, right?  If only I hadn’t gotten sick when I was a young man.  If only I had just grown up a little quicker before then.  If only I had finished college, when I had all the time in the world.  Well, when I had all the time in the world, I had no time for college, apparently, and there’s not much I can do about the dregs of my mistaken actions;  I have been beating myself up for my small sins and my great bad luck for many years and it’s time to let it go now, but it might not be the worst idea I ever had to remember how we got to where we are now, and how we can use it to keep us here in this more comfortable place, because even though I’m still stressing over the minutiae, and even though I have a lot of work to do before I can really say that I’ve put it all behind us, I can see a place somewhere not too far off from here where I can finally feel like I’ve got nothing to regret and everything for which to be grateful and there is where I want to be before I do get too old to make it happen.

And that, my sweethearts, is why I fear my age; it’s taken me too long to sleepwalk my way to realizing that I won’t be around forever.

Just a few minutes ago Jeannie and I were bickering and my son Xay looked over at me and said “you know I’m just not even going to bother talking to you right now, you guys are just stressing out again!”  Bemusement was all, because he was pretty well spot on about the situation: we were freaking out a bit and it just wasn’t worth the trouble for him of trying to get past it.

There need to be more hours in the day.

Just thought I would give a quick update: I did indeed finally pass that certification test I had been studying for all this time.  I am now officially an MCSA for Server 2003, with a clear path to either MCSE ot MCITP, if not both.  Just by itself, it’s a great level to have reached, because it acknowledges that I have gone through a bunch of trouble in taking all these exams, and that I was smart enough to have passed them.  Not that they are particularly brutal, but it’s tough when you’re over the age of 30 and you have kids and a wife and hobbies and all this other stuff going on.

So anyway, I got that taken care of.

We got our first house too!  This really deserves its own post, but I just don’t have the time for it, but anyway, for those who care, you already know how big a deal it is for our family.  Jeannie, my wife, figured we’d never get out of apartment living.  My whole attitude was that maybe some people never have a need to own a home, and maybe we’re those people.  But then I got back into music, and the kids started growing up fast, and this little townhome just wasn’t cutting it anymore.  So we got into the notion of buying a home, and three months later, it happened.  It is a modest house, but a nice one, and I think within two years or so will be really well set up.

There’s a lot more to tell, like the fact that I landed a job out of nowhere which has sorta made all this more easy to deal with, but maybe that’ll have to wait.  It was pretty bad-ass though, let me assure you.