Parameters.

Hello world. Big brazen and cramped ball of humanity that you are, terrible bringer of bad news, frequent blind adjudicator that you’ve been to me and all of mine.   Hello.   Said like a prayer or curse, hello.

31 years playing the game and not coming out a winner.  31 years of spilled milk, crying over it and yet still looking optimistically for the paper towels.  And wordpress is where it leads me.

I kept a diary, I mean a real one (one with dirty, worn pages, one that felt like a friend to me and then later on as I would go back and look over events past, like a liar) on and off for my entire late childhood, from the age of 15 until somewhere around the time of my first mental breakdown, at the age of 21.  The years of stereotypical angst.  After that, life became swiss cheese for awhile, messy and full of holes, some of which never got filled in, but still, six years of learning how to better engage myself with the necessities of logic, learning how to write effectively (though sometimes with little enough flair), and mostly, learning how to create a version of myself from nothing that I could be proud of….that time was valuable in making me who I am today.  But time as usual has passed me by, and I lost the great love I used to have for the craft of telling one’s own story, or indeed even in caring about it enough to string phrases together. Shortly thereafter I got my life back together somewhat, had the happy accident of having my first child and first real job, and life just kind of…….rolled on.

But then time passed again. I’m still here, life is not any less complex as it was the day before, and yet some part of me is still self-important enough to think that there might be phrases enough left for me to string together for a little while, so here I am, diary.

Some parameters:  This will always be a public diary, no matter what the cost.  It’s going to be brutally honest. It will have a limited scope, which is to say, the blog is called Educated Poor because that’s what I am and what I’m talking about: very well educated, but not a degree holder.  Financially poor, but cultured enough to know that things could be a hell of a lot worse.

I’m no Tom Joad, and this is not a soapbox I’m standing on, but I have this feeling, this craziness inside me again, it feels like a scream, and if the scream had any words (and they don’t) the words would be

I WANT MORE FROM THIS LIFE.

If I now have any worth to anyone else in the world, it is because of the time I have spent making music – we’ll get to that later – and the time I spent trying to learn how to be a better writer when I wrote my diary all those years ago.  I’d like to say that the past has caught up with me and that I’m doing this now because I just fondly recall the years I spent being creatively productive and want to do it again, but to be more honest, and therefore more cruel, I’m doing this because I feel like time is leeching the past away from me, and I’m just trying to do what I can to reclaim myself in my mind’s eye before I forget what that happy image of myself ever was in the first place.

If it sounds like a serious subject, you’re not wrong, although moods do change, don’t they?, and tables do eventually turn. Hopefully this blog will be more than just a weathervane for how I should be regarded when you pass me in the hallway: I want very badly to also try and impart something that others can relate to, like a reaching out to see if anybody’s out there outside of my own little safe and guarded corral.   If the internet is a series of tubes, then life has become a series of bubbles: the bubbles of the apartment, of the car, of the cubicle at work, until you get to your last bubble, which is the grave. Well, I’m not happy playing this game anymore and I want out of this bubble, at least temporarily.

So I guess this blog comes down to being many things, but most importantly it’s going to be a window to an experiment I am performing on myself. I’m not really sure what the experiment is yet, I just know that I’m up for something a little different and trying my hardest not to screw it up, and I’m living in a time that is a turning point for a lot of us in America. Documenting that, both the turning point and my reactions to it, will be my first priority and hopefully there will be something worth reading every once in a while. 

I’m out for now but hopefully not too long.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




March 2008
M T W T F S S
    Jun »
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  

Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

%d bloggers like this: