hell is a small paycheck

dear sweet & special diary,

not very happy right now. two things are on the mind: the financial ruining of our family, which doesn’t have very far to fall (but far enough that it still matters), and my own fall back into despair as a result of the former.

anyone here ever been through a psychotic episode?  extreme paralytic depression?  something even weirder?  well, i’m perfectly alright in admitting that i have; it’s been almost ten years now since i had a real-deal problem, one involving lots of drugs, health costs, therapy and time in bed and being completely out of whack, but its shadow has been chasing me ever since i first outran it and got back to being

(a somewhat-modified version of)

me.  i can feel it again but this time it feels completely environmental, like it’s happening solely because of the stress which lurks here all the time lately.

i had decided to start getting certified again in IT.  i had stopped at A+ and Net+, which are good certifications to have, but frankly i am rightly starting to feel limited by their narrow scope.   i know i need more – LOTS MORE – to get anywhere else in my field, so i started studying to get my MCSA.  well, so far studying has gone really well, even though I feel like an idiot for not committing to this sooner. anyway, all that is well and good, but tonight i finally faced the reality that no matter how awesome it might be that i am applying myself to get these certs, it doesn’t change the fact that we – my family – are heading for extreme meltdown far, far sooner than I had feared.  the bills are already piling up, and I am trying very hard not to panic but it’s getting harder because we will soon be at a much more difficult place than we are now – that place you get to, when not only do you have NOTHING, but you owe money for it as well.  where your existence is a drain on the rest of society.  where your kids finally start to notice that their situation is different – harder – than others’.

i don’t want to burden anyone with details, least of all this webpage that no one reads anyway, but the long and short of it is, my mind is a whirlwind right now. i’m just trying to arrange the situation in such a way as to keep it salvageable for us, because in all honesty even though i can’t figure it out, i can’t stop trying trying trying…and in my head repeats the phrase

before it’s too late

before it’s too late

before it’s too late


1 Response to “hell is a small paycheck”

  1. 1 E August 23, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    I hope you can hang in there. I found your blog while looking for others who are educated and poor like me. I really relate to what you’re saying: the psychotic depression, the worry. I feel so distressed having wasted $100,000+ on an Ivy League BA and can’t pay my bills, and might lose my home.

    Stay strong.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

August 2008
« Jul   Sep »

Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

%d bloggers like this: