Indifference is the essence of humanity.

George Bernard Shaw.

Sometimes I just shouldn’t even roll out of bed in the morning.  You too? Yeah, some days are just shit…this one started out as hot as fresk milk and just got hotter, and when you’re in and out of the car all day it kinda drags you down.  But work was a frustrating mess, and I hung my hat at the end of the day having accomplished only very little for my trouble.  But then, even after winding down with the family and getting in a somewhat better mood, I couldn’t figure out a way to fix the last song I’ve been working on… luck points for the week have already run out I guess.  See, I have no instinct at all for how to create a good beat but I generally manage to click around until something works out, but tonight was just a waste of my time.  Everything just came out disco, you know?  Not a desired effect in this instance. (Or any instance.)

So here I am to complain and then to drag off to bed.  I suspect I’m just a little depressed because my professional life (what little professionalism there is to it) is just stagnant as all hell.  I began this blog partly as a way to keep myself motivated for all the certification testing I’m doing.  I’m one test away from my MCSA in MS Server 2003, but that last test, boy…’s a doozie.  I started studying for it last December and gave up after about two weeks, because things were practically just leaking out of my brain.  So, three tests in and then I faded out, did basically nothing for the next two months, and then decided to start recording music again, which I have been doing now for about a month.  Got four new songs to show for it too, so that’s a nice feeling.  If having new songs were somehow monetizable, that would be great, but I don’t have the slightest idea how to make money off creativity, so now I’m stricken with the ever-present guilt that comes along whenever I start to inspect our situation.  We live in a crumby apartment, we’re both over 30 and getting no younger, neither one of us finished school, and neither one of us has much chance of getting back in until we can somehow afford it.  How is that going to happen?  It’s either going to be a tough road that leads somewhere or one that leads nowhere, you know?  I don’t which road I’m on and would like some kind of clue.  I’m not a foolish person, and in fact my brain claims to me all the time that it’s pretty smart, so why can’t I get it to come up with an idea to get me out of this ridiculously great but scandalously underpaid job?  I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay: it sucks to realize that, but it’s just a simple truth and the only truth there is.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring better news, or at least a song that makes me feel better.


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May 2009
« Apr   Jun »

Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

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