State of teh Union

Rarer than chop steak in a vegan’s mouth, I’m here tonight to talk about what’s going on in my life.   I won’t pretend that things are bad, even though that’s my favorite game of all.  I’m going to try to cautiously approach something like a real assessment of the current goings-on of the best kept secret in all the universe: me and mine and all those things, direct and indirect, that are tailing me harder than Smokey tails the Bandit.

Yeah, not really.

But I have been able to breathe easier lately: both adults in the household are currently fully employed.  None of us are doing anything like the work worthy of our abilities but nobody is floundering, either.  It might be sour grapes (might, I say) but as I get older, even though I do not not become more conservative (losing the courage of my convictions has always been one of the possibilities I fear the most), I do perhaps become ever more cynical in my assessment of what it even means to have a work life to be proud of.  We can’t all work for non-profits, after all, and somebody has to take out the trash in the morning even if last night we all dreamt of having steak and shrimp.  Every man is a superhero is his own mind, and to my mind, my superhero-self can kick your ass anyday of the week.  Forgive a guy his common hubris, for it is shared by all.

I’ve come to accept the advice I gave myself earlier in the course of this blog, which is that whether one feels rudderless or fully apprised of life, cursed or blessed by the Host of Angels, it may be that the final arbitrary measurement of a wise life is that just choosing a path and taking it is best advice of all, because looking back on the reasons for my own achingly slow start in life, I can see clearly now that the primary dilemma (besides the obvious mental disorder) is one of just picking one’s poison.  There’s always a choice in life, so they say, but “they” don’t much dwell on the fact that sometimes the path in front of you splits off into two equally disturbing possibilities.   Well, my family has had that in front of us for a long time, and I simply reacted in the best way I knew how, which is to say I pretty much ignored all options and simply left myself with the status quo, which involved a lot of bored meadering in a job I don’t really care for a great deal.  I still have that job, by the way, but now I’m making it work for me: this May I start working on my bachelor’s degree for the first time in over ten years, simply because I know that with the level of work I currently have, I can churn out a few credit hours a semester until sometime in the next two to three years, I’ll come out the other end waving around a piece of paper which might not solve all my problems, but which WILL MOST DEFINITELY help out my bizarre lack of any and all confidence in myself.  Sometimes I really do feel that I am the greatest impediment to my own success – success in whatever form you choose – and getting past the now-infamous lack of direction would be a great thing indeed.  That’s why, when I first started this blog, I called it Some College:  some college is all I figured I would ever receive, and I had hopes of embracing that fault, spinning it around and calling it a virtue – because who ever learns anything from college anyway, right?

I realize that this may in fact be true: I might come out of college even more sure than ever that it is, at the core, just a complete waste of time.   But the point is, for me at least, that I need to come out of it having finished after all the false starts, and I need to do so with my sanity in tact, even at the cost of my belief in the value of academia.  I have yet to even idly entertain the notion of what might happen afterwards.  I suppose that at least one semester of decent grades will have to pass me by before I even get past the point where, in my head, I’m just waiting for whatever the next collegiate disaster turns out to be.  That’s the truth right there:  I still don’t think I can make it work.  But I am determined to try, because I do finally feel better about my own level of maturity this time around.

Congratulations are in order, Jason: you now have ascended to the level of actualizati0n that most 20-year-olds accept out of hand.   Well fuck you very much, Sense of Self: not everybody can attain enlightenment without first spending some time in the dark.   I’ve some small expectation that those dark days might be over, but see me again in three months, after the summer semester starts, and we’ll see which incarnation of myself turns out to be right.

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March 2010
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Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

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