If I relax, I feel exposed.

Oh yeah.  The demons are back.  Anxiety with just a nice hint of depression coming around the corner.  It’s bad this time, bad in a big way, probably the worst since the first time it all went to shit, which has been 12-13 years behind me now.  I had just gotten us up out of our mess at the crumby apartment, gotten myself back in school, and gotten a home loan.  Think there might be a connection there?  Feelings of disability in coping with my responsibilities?  I feel like that’s a part of it, but just a part.

The feeling is just one of constant discomfiture: I imagine it’s something like an addict feels when he hasn’t had a fix.  A nervous, skin-crawling on-edge sense of preoccupation with a thing which seems initially to have revolved around driving at night, or going to large public places, but which has just now taken over large parts of my life.  At work, and even at home, this feeling is taking up a majority of my waking life.  For how long?  I don’t know, I hope it is short and ugly, like it has been times before, but to be honest, I fear I won’t be that lucky.

I don’t normally like to talk about these episodes, and so I doubt I will much change that habit, but be aware that if I do not write much in the next little while, the reason is that I am trying to get myself well again, and that I hope it will be very soon.

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October 2010
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Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

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