Wearing Out My Welcome

I don’t know what I’m doing. We can all agree on that I guess.

Last night she was upset. She has a hectic schedule, and is going to miss the kids while trying to keep up with the demands of work. Before I had time to even have a second thought about it,  I opened my big mouth, said something to the effect of “Please keep in mind that if there’s anything at all to get back in your good graces, I’ll do whatever it takes…” And then some other stuff about keeping the family together. I just want to make things work between us. Life is just so barren without her, and the little family unit that we were.

Anyway. She doesn’t want me to talk about stuff like this. It’s uncomfortable for her. I guess I’d feel the same if I were in her shoes, I don’t know. Now, having brought that up, I feel like I’ve done more damage to whatever remnants of our relationship still remain.

This is so very hard for me. To think that my love for her is just making things worse. I don’t know, it’s just such a panicked place to be, I feel like I’m always walking on the edge of a precipice. I want to make things okay again, but I guess words are just not enough, or the wrong ones keep coming out, or my impatience is going to wreck things, or my stubbornness is going to ruin any hope of even being her friend.

Losing her was so wrong. I know I pretty  much caused the whole rift between us, it doesn’t matter that that was not what I intended, nor that I was so sick at the time (and I can’t guarantee to anyone that I’m not still sick, but I seem to have been granted some kind off respite from it, and so have proceeded with the small hope that it may be a trend). All the negative elements lined up just right, everything I was recklessly doing to try to hold myself together started falling apart, and I managed to break what once was a pretty tight bond; it was never perfect, but we had warmth for each other, and she sustained me in a way that noone else ever could. I just wish she understood that better. It makes me feel so awful that she probably walks the earth thinking that she was no help to me, or that I didn’t care about her great efforts to help. I truly did, and still do, very much.

Just let it go, Jason. Stop trying to force it. Stop trying to nudge it, even. No scheme you can create is ever going to work, because in a way you were the architect of the scheme that brought it all down, weren’t you?

My biggest regret in life is that I was afraid to share it fully with her. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t give to share it with her now.


1 Response to “Wearing Out My Welcome”

  1. 1 Anders February 19, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    I’m sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like you really love her. Try to be patient, you never know what can happen. 🙂

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February 2016
« Jan   Mar »

Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????

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