Shotgun Divorce

She was supposed to be my friend forever. She made me trust her. I know I did wrong. I wasn’t loving, I didn’t properly demonstrate my love. I drank even after I had nothing left to do but quit. I did a lot wrong. I’m regretful of it and it still shames me.

But. She rejected me utterly, in a way I cannot fix. I don’t know why there was no intermediate step, something that would have woken my ass up while there was time to save our marriage. It is incredibly saddening that there’s just NOTHING I can do, she gave me not even a fucking inch of room to make good, and I tried to do what I could to save it anyway, I tried negotiating things down, I tried nicely worded letters and I tried a lot of the suggestions that had been told to me since I’ve been away from her, but she gave me not even a fucking inch to make good. I asked her once to please tell me how I could get in her good graces, and she had the audacity to take it as an insult.

She saw I was pretty much dying. She saw how much distress I was in. But she called a lawyer before I had even fully understood what was going on. She changed the locks. Why God?

We should never have married I guess. I didn’t know it wouldn’t be forever, and that I could grieve a marriage so worth saving, so incapable of being saved, and that I would grieve it in such a terrible way for so long.

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March 2016
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Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

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Mr. Bungle - California

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