Archive for the 'Hello' Category

Hey there what do you say.

Not too much to worry about. Hard work and school makes a boy big and strong.

When I was in IT I longed for a stationary desk job.  Now I have one, and I long for life on the road.

When I was out of school, I longed to get back in to finish my degree. Now I am doing so, and I can’t wait for it to be over.

There is a lesson in these two examples.  I’m trying to decipher what it is besides, “It is impossible to ever be happy with anything.”

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Tomorrow.

A day in which it is asserted that the sun will come out.  Ascribing to tomorrow the qualities of a sentient being, it could be said: “You’re only a day away.”

State of teh Union

Rarer than chop steak in a vegan’s mouth, I’m here tonight to talk about what’s going on in my life.   I won’t pretend that things are bad, even though that’s my favorite game of all.  I’m going to try to cautiously approach something like a real assessment of the current goings-on of the best kept secret in all the universe: me and mine and all those things, direct and indirect, that are tailing me harder than Smokey tails the Bandit.

Yeah, not really.

But I have been able to breathe easier lately: both adults in the household are currently fully employed.  None of us are doing anything like the work worthy of our abilities but nobody is floundering, either.  It might be sour grapes (might, I say) but as I get older, even though I do not not become more conservative (losing the courage of my convictions has always been one of the possibilities I fear the most), I do perhaps become ever more cynical in my assessment of what it even means to have a work life to be proud of.  We can’t all work for non-profits, after all, and somebody has to take out the trash in the morning even if last night we all dreamt of having steak and shrimp.  Every man is a superhero is his own mind, and to my mind, my superhero-self can kick your ass anyday of the week.  Forgive a guy his common hubris, for it is shared by all.

I’ve come to accept the advice I gave myself earlier in the course of this blog, which is that whether one feels rudderless or fully apprised of life, cursed or blessed by the Host of Angels, it may be that the final arbitrary measurement of a wise life is that just choosing a path and taking it is best advice of all, because looking back on the reasons for my own achingly slow start in life, I can see clearly now that the primary dilemma (besides the obvious mental disorder) is one of just picking one’s poison.  There’s always a choice in life, so they say, but “they” don’t much dwell on the fact that sometimes the path in front of you splits off into two equally disturbing possibilities.   Well, my family has had that in front of us for a long time, and I simply reacted in the best way I knew how, which is to say I pretty much ignored all options and simply left myself with the status quo, which involved a lot of bored meadering in a job I don’t really care for a great deal.  I still have that job, by the way, but now I’m making it work for me: this May I start working on my bachelor’s degree for the first time in over ten years, simply because I know that with the level of work I currently have, I can churn out a few credit hours a semester until sometime in the next two to three years, I’ll come out the other end waving around a piece of paper which might not solve all my problems, but which WILL MOST DEFINITELY help out my bizarre lack of any and all confidence in myself.  Sometimes I really do feel that I am the greatest impediment to my own success – success in whatever form you choose – and getting past the now-infamous lack of direction would be a great thing indeed.  That’s why, when I first started this blog, I called it Some College:  some college is all I figured I would ever receive, and I had hopes of embracing that fault, spinning it around and calling it a virtue – because who ever learns anything from college anyway, right?

I realize that this may in fact be true: I might come out of college even more sure than ever that it is, at the core, just a complete waste of time.   But the point is, for me at least, that I need to come out of it having finished after all the false starts, and I need to do so with my sanity in tact, even at the cost of my belief in the value of academia.  I have yet to even idly entertain the notion of what might happen afterwards.  I suppose that at least one semester of decent grades will have to pass me by before I even get past the point where, in my head, I’m just waiting for whatever the next collegiate disaster turns out to be.  That’s the truth right there:  I still don’t think I can make it work.  But I am determined to try, because I do finally feel better about my own level of maturity this time around.

Congratulations are in order, Jason: you now have ascended to the level of actualizati0n that most 20-year-olds accept out of hand.   Well fuck you very much, Sense of Self: not everybody can attain enlightenment without first spending some time in the dark.   I’ve some small expectation that those dark days might be over, but see me again in three months, after the summer semester starts, and we’ll see which incarnation of myself turns out to be right.

Something Something and Auld Lang Syne

& so tonight comes baby new year, maybe yours can be a happy one, as can mine, although i think mine threw up on the carpet when he walked in the door, so i’m looking at it as at a startled deer would look at me, unbelieving and scared: the egg timer of the universe is rolling over again already.  friends do not let friends drunk-blog, but tonight precludes all possibility of proper thinking, the holiday being what is, and the rules can thus be ignored for a night.

i should be happy, my wife has a job after way too long waiting.  nonetheless i feel melancholy, ambivalent at best, because things are about to change.  jeannie is going to work again, and therefore i am going back to school.  the degree i should have gotten ten years ago is now upon me. five years ago, i was willing but not able, now it is the opposite.  in this life we never quite know what the best choice is, do we?  the most important thing i’ve learned in the past five years is just to do SOMETHING, dammit.

so anyway, do something, and i’ll do the same: in ten or twenty years time we’ll see how it all turned out.

In which I say “Hi there” as if I were Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington

So I took this quasi-legal herbal tea called Kratom just now, and so far I am pleased with it.  If you’re looking for a way to unwind without the head-smashiness associated with alcohol, but a lot of the same sort of mood enhancement positives, Kratom is a good thing to try.  You can get it on the internet by the gram, starting at about 8 bucks per serving (2g).  I just tried one for the heck of it, and it’s very affordable versus the cost of booze.  And supposedly it lasts several hours, so it might even be a better buy than plain old beer.  Of course, there’s nothing like a good old Dr. Dewars or a Jack and Coke, but still, a man must occasionally reach for the stars, I say!

Anyway, now the big news: I put in a bid for an auction for this little beauty:

Awwwwwwwwwww   yeah.  Love!

Awwwwwwwwwww yeah. Love!

It is a MIDI keyboard, the exact sort of thing I’ve been looking for, except that it’s even better because they released a whole new generation of MIDI controllers while I was sitting here poor.  m-Audio makes it, it’s called an Axiom Pro.  It’s the mid-range model; you can get one new from about $450 with shipping.  We’ll see what happens with the auction, because i can’t really justify such a great expense, even though I have been such a frugal kid lately.

I hope I am lucky enough to snag it, though, as I have really been jonesing to get back into this music scene, but I have been nothing but frustrated by my lack of a MIDI controller (besides my QWERTY controller, that is).  We’ll see in about 30 hours.

Shaddup and gimme some music.

Well, I hear you.  But I have no music.  I’m dry.  DRY!

As a dead fish in the desert.  As a drunk in solitary.  As a dryness metaphor when I’m all out of metaphors for dryness.

So, why does that happen?  Wish I knew.  Just does, and you gotta go with it.  Actually you can muscle out of it if you really want to, but well, we’re talking about me here.  Not much musclin’ goin’ on ’round these parts.

I got sick a week or so ago, that’s part of it.   Man it was bad too, I was basically laid out for two and a half days, with the usual stomach problem. Getting a bit needlessly paranoid concerned about the possbility of Crohn’s or some other chronic thing, but for now it’s gone again, so that’s good.  Still no music though.

I know what it is.  I need to get back to studying my computery stuff.  It’s probably that guilt thing again. Yep.

So, uh.  Just wait.  The next post will be filled with melody; I’ll probably have a rock opera ready about writer’s block or somethin’.  I promise it won’t be tacky or anything.  So until then.

Back and feeling fine.

I’m super, thanks for asking!

SO, I got back from my St. Simon’s trip part deux just a little while ago, and I feel pretty good.  I even wrote a little ditty as soon as I got back which probably won’t amount to much but which was fun to do for a five-minute jam session, but mostly I’m too tired to mess with that sort of stuff now.  Anyway if you don’t mind curse words, and obscure in-jokes, feel free to listen.

DOWNLOADINATOR LINK

lyrics:

this is such a happy fucking song
every note in a major key
yes & i’m sticking to my guns,
even if it turns out a motherfucking turkey
and even dear old mom wants to murder me

& i swear the world outside
& i swear the world outside’s not burning

doin pretty fuckin good so far but
if you could bottle this shit and sell it off
i’d pro’bly end up with half a bottle
and not a single sale to speak of
and me sitting here feeling like a jerk-off

but i swear the world i know
i swear the world i know is oh so, so pretty

I may talk more about St. Simon’s later on, or maybe not, but suffice it to say, good times were had, and now I will pay the price for that good time by working my ass off this week.  Hope everyone else had as good a weekend as I did, and will have an easier week than I will.  That’s all I can say for now.


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Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????