Archive Page 2

Another Half a Song

I get these half-formed ideas and then hit record while I improvise. Sometimes it comes out brilliantly, sometimes not.

Listen here.

Great recording method for a lazy fatalist like myself though.

 

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Soon Enough

Soon enough I’ll be out of money.

Soon enough I’ll be in hospital again.

Soon enough I’ll unwind myself from this maze.

Soon enough I’ll be 40..

Soon enough will soon be now, and it’ll all be too late.

Cure Song #2: Trust

Listen here.

Lyrics:

there is no-one left in the world
that i can hold onto
there is really no-one left at all
there is only you
and if you leave me now
you leave all that we were
undone
there is really no-one left
you are the only one

and still the hardest part for you
to put your trust in me
i love you more than i can say
why won’t you just believe?

The Long and Short of It

In the end, was I ever important to her?

I feel weird, asking that. A year back I wouldn’t have hesitated to say yes. But now I think I need to scale back my supposition, because you don’t reject those who are really important. As much as she says she left because I neglected her, at least I was willing to keep trying to make a go of things before I die.

Now all I can do is die. There’s noone around for me anymore.

Augh

Life is well and truly awful, now. I do not expect anything to change for a very long time. Would it be any better if she were still there for me? Yes, it would be  better. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know how to do the same job of recovering from this tragedy by myself. Instead I have to get a job and start juggling again. I don’t juggle well, I’ve proven that by now.

Apparently I’m supposed to just dust myself off and be cool. But I don’t know how to do that. This just sucks. I’m not even allowed to just run away and forget her. And if I wanted to see her at some point, it’s not like she cares to see me. I’m just a drop-off point now.

Meaningless Update

I’m pretty much out of hope for reconciliation. Hope was what was keeping me able to (sort of) be happy. I just kept telling myself to be patient.  It kinda worked.

But I guess she just doesn’t like me. She won’t say that, but it has to be true. We have so many attachments to each other that it just makes sense for us to work things out and stay together….except all that goes out the window if she just plain doesn’t like me.

I’m always going to feel rejected, because that’s what happened whether she wants to face it or not.  I got kicked out, rehabilitated myself utterly, and found out it was too late to make any difference. I’m still clean, still fighting depression, only now I figure “what’s the fucking point?”

So we’ll see how long that lasts with precisely no external motivation whatsoever. There’s not much incentive to stay healthy when you don’t love yourself, and don’t trust those you love most. I  love our kids, but they remind me of her, and all this tragedy in my life really has me wondering if, in the end, I’m not just fucking things up with them too. I’m really pondering that one.

It’s a barren and pale satisfaction, knowing that my love outlasted hers. I always figured I would be the one to fuck that up. But I do still love her, and always will.

I’d better try to look forward to this lifetime of awkwardness and unrequite.

Another Song

Listen to this.


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Currently Reading:

Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame - Charles Bukowski

Currently Listening:

Mr. Bungle - California

Why, yes, I am cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.

You lika de juice????