How I Feel Today

I’m so lonely, I don’t know if I can really claim to love her anymore. I mean everything is just taken over by my loneliness. Do I miss her?, yes. Do I still value her?, yes. To be honest, she scares me a little, and I’m not sure why. She’s been so angry, I guess it all just seems hopeless to even think that we could be friends. I believe she has characterized me wrongly in some respects, but if she can’t see who I really am beneath the exterior, if she can’t see past the evils to the reasons why I thought they were necessary, what does it matter what I am, even if seen to my heart and soul? Perception is all…

 

History

One thing that hurts about divorce is that you have to deconstruct all the various things, emotional structures so to speak, that you have built with your spouse over the years. We had a rich history together that was special to me. I know it wasn’t perfect but it was singular, and it was our story. When you get divorced, you have to forsake that history, and for some reason it seems that in the contemporary disposable consumer culture we live in today, it’s almost a certainty that the deconstruction of this relationship, paramount in importance as it is, will not survive and once it’s terminated, nobody even bothers to do the improbably possible: to rekindle it.

It’s a weird thought but seems to be true: friends don’t divorce each other and seem to be hardier than married relationships, all told. So in a weird way, maybe if we can be friends, real friends with authentic feelings, we can get to a stability that surpasses the always-struggling nature of our marriage? Hmm.

Well shit. That is tough to grapple with. There are no guarantees I guess. This divorce has taught me, though, that there never were any, which contradicts the assumption that I had for many years and which ultimately ensured the crap that I’ve been dealt would be incredibly painful.

Progress

1) Denial

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance

Four Truths

Maybe it happens to be true that forgiveness is a thing one discovers in time, more than it is a thing one decides in the mind. I am trying to remain open to everything because there must be some good things waiting for me, but I need to understand this thing about forgiveness right now because I know it is what hurts the most. It’s excruciating and constantly gnaws at me. If I can forgive and be forgiven (I’m pretty sure I need both) I’ll be much farther along the path of life, and getting acquainted with the Four Noble Truths as they exist in Buddhist philosophy (I’m paraphrasing):

1. All life is suffering
2. Clinging to my sense of control in life will perpetuate the suffering
3. Relinquishing my sense of control in life prevents and ameliorates suffering
4. Meditation can help to relinquish my sense of control in life

I’m not Buddhist but I see some universal truth there. I wish though that this forgiveness would come into my life. I also need to learn how to let her go. I don’t want to do it. But I guess it needs doing, because she  hasn’t come back and it hurts me to keep rehashing the situation over and over again, and wishing I could undo the damage that has built up over time. I’m just s o very sorry that it had to come to this. She is unforgettable, that I know, so what I really have to do, I guess, is change the intensity level of the things I think about her. I don’t spend all my time lusting after her, but I do think of her more than I think of my other friends. I don’t seem to be able to do it on my own. I’ve just got to find a way to keep things classy between us so we can go through life with dignity. I’m told that is important as well.

Sadness vs. Depression

I have anxiety, depression, and something inscrutable that messes with my perception of the world.

I have a broken heart too. I know  it’s cliche, but that’s just the best word for it, since it is the chest from which the pain radiates. My marriage ended rather abruptly a couple of months ago. I wasn’t prepared or willing by any means. I don’t really fully understand why it happened, though she has tried to explain it.

I’m real confused about where the depression ends, and the sadness begins. I know there must be some sort of line of demarcation, some indicating arrow which will enable an unfortunate person to deal with both. But I haven’t been able to find it. Believe me I’ve looked hard. It’s crucial that I be able to identify a difference, else one subsume the other.

God help me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I keep trying to look to the positive. I know that’s my only option anyway. There’s no fixing it. I’ve looked at the situation from every possible angle, and I know I just can’t expect her to love me anymore.

Wearing Out My Welcome

I don’t know what I’m doing. We can all agree on that I guess.

Last night she was upset. She has a hectic schedule, and is going to miss the kids while trying to keep up with the demands of work. Before I had time to even have a second thought about it,  I opened my big mouth, said something to the effect of “Please keep in mind that if there’s anything at all to get back in your good graces, I’ll do whatever it takes…” And then some other stuff about keeping the family together. I just want to make things work between us. Life is just so barren without her, and the little family unit that we were.

Anyway. She doesn’t want me to talk about stuff like this. It’s uncomfortable for her. I guess I’d feel the same if I were in her shoes, I don’t know. Now, having brought that up, I feel like I’ve done more damage to whatever remnants of our relationship still remain.

This is so very hard for me. To think that my love for her is just making things worse. I don’t know, it’s just such a panicked place to be, I feel like I’m always walking on the edge of a precipice. I want to make things okay again, but I guess words are just not enough, or the wrong ones keep coming out, or my impatience is going to wreck things, or my stubbornness is going to ruin any hope of even being her friend.

Losing her was so wrong. I know I pretty  much caused the whole rift between us, it doesn’t matter that that was not what I intended, nor that I was so sick at the time (and I can’t guarantee to anyone that I’m not still sick, but I seem to have been granted some kind off respite from it, and so have proceeded with the small hope that it may be a trend). All the negative elements lined up just right, everything I was recklessly doing to try to hold myself together started falling apart, and I managed to break what once was a pretty tight bond; it was never perfect, but we had warmth for each other, and she sustained me in a way that noone else ever could. I just wish she understood that better. It makes me feel so awful that she probably walks the earth thinking that she was no help to me, or that I didn’t care about her great efforts to help. I truly did, and still do, very much.

Just let it go, Jason. Stop trying to force it. Stop trying to nudge it, even. No scheme you can create is ever going to work, because in a way you were the architect of the scheme that brought it all down, weren’t you?

My biggest regret in life is that I was afraid to share it fully with her. There is absolutely nothing that I wouldn’t give to share it with her now.